Holiday blues

For the past few days I've been really emotional and I'm not really sure why. Nothing significant has happened (I know it's not PMS), yet I've been walking around on the verge of tears (okay, okay. I've shed a few).

I think I've figured out what is wrong with me.

I miss my family. I'm crying as I write this now. :'(

Growing up, our family was my life. My best friends were all of my wonderful cousins. I often think of the endless sleep overs, and family parties, and get-togethers we had, and I have nothing but fond memories of those days gone by.

As we all grew older, and matured into teenagers/young adults, many of us grew apart. Not because we didn't love each other, we were just busy doing our things with school, sports etc. But our love for one another never faltered, I'm sure of that. I have always been proud to tell anyone who asks what my life was like growing up. I tell them: "Have you seen the movie, 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'? Well, my life was kind of like that, but Mormon instead of Greek." It usually brings out a laugh or two, but what they don't realize is that it's the truth. And I love it. I miss it.

Fast forward 30 years (give or take) and here we all are. The same age OUR parents were when WE were frolicking in Grandma's back yard. Grandma and Grandpa loved each and every one of us so much. They had their door open for every single member of their family 24/7. They wanted us to be close, to love each other, to support each other. I like to think they were the ones who instilled in each of us the importance of family.

I've lived in the Portland area now since 1994 (actually, now I live in Vancouver, Washington...10 miles north of Portland, just over the Columbia River). I have spent many a Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Reunion, Halloween, wedding, baby blessing, etc. away from you all. It BREAKS my heart to know how much I've missed out on everything. I really did try to move back to Utah, but it just didn't happen, for reasons beyond my control. Now I'm going to be spending the rest of my life here, in the NorthWest with my new and wonderful husband and his family. And I'm okay with that.

But, as each year passes, I find the holiday season more and more difficult. My sadness grows deeper, and last year it was almost unbearable. I was miserable, and I did a lot of crying. I know many of my emotions were due to the situation with my divorce and everything associated with it, but really: It was about wanting MY family. So, here I sit. Thinking of the Thanksgiving I will miss. Rejoicing in the fact that I will be able to come home for Christmas, and I can't help the tears. They just happen.

When I confide to Ted that I am lonely, and I wish I had more friends here, he encourages me to find friends that I enjoy doing things with. "See if there is someone at work you can start scrap booking with." "Ask a friend out to dinner or lunch on a Saturday." Well, I've tried. And tried. And tried, to find someone that I can call a real friend. Someone I can call at the last minute and say, "Let's go out to lunch today." Or, "Hey, come on over and we'll scrapbook and the kids can play...." Someone I can count on NO MATTER WHAT. It doesn't exist for me. I know I don't have that kind of relationship in my day to day life because I am here, and my family is there.

Family is forever. They are comfort. They are happiness and joy. Friends are wonderful too, but they can come and go ( and usually do). I have told him endless times: If my cousins were here, I would have a TON of friends. And I know that it's true.

I am going to try to keep my sadness at a minimum, for the sake of my husband and children, but the fact remains: My heart will never be as whole as it once was, back in 1982.